~|!F3~

i’ve always thot tt my life was exciting, but i’ve nv imagine so fascinating will happen twice..

the first time when this happens to me, i was still a temp staff at citibank.. apparently im walking out of millenium walk’s candy empire to the escalator leading to suntec.. i walk towards auto glass door and stopped.. y? cos apparently the door close in front of me and won’t open. at all. im like.. =.=

how did i get out of the previous situation? at the other side of the glass door was a secondary sch kid which look at me with a puzzled o.o look.. while i was still stuck at one side, he kind-heartedly walk towards the door and ‘open sesame’.. the door opened! wow! amazing! =.= am i some kinda weird being that can conceal my presence..? prob hv some kinda unknown psychic powers..

anyway, today the same situation happens again.. it’s pretty late at nite, so there’s not much ppl ard.. when i was abt to exit the civics centre, i walked towards the glass door and ‘wah lah~’, it happened again.. fantastic.. it remained shut.

i paused there for approx 5-10s & thot tt the exit was somewhere else and prob it’s too late so they even stopped the auto glass door, so i thot.. well, might as well find another exit. anyway, i was wrg. apparently, behind me was a guy who looked at me with a puzzled expression, walked towards the door (the door opened), out of the building and slant his face slightly and glimpsed at me with a still-very-puzzled expression..

hey! com’on.. i dun wana conceal my presence.. & to happen twice..? it’s so dumb… >

     well, it’s only tradition tt the children of the household will stay up for the night on the night of the first day of the lunar year (shou sui) as a significance of gd health for their parents. tt’s exactly wat im doing right now. not much. hanging around, planning to read some notes later and finish ironing out all my clothes for the next couple of days..

     talked to jeffrey just now and discuss everythg about singing and stuffs.. been a really long while since we chat and am glad tt im still comfortable chatting with him. =) feeling is really important and im glad the mutual trust between us is still around. 

     im beginning to pick up my pace from my low standings a few mths ago. my steps are becoming firmer and more stable though im still a little lost. i duno if this is wat they call a blessing in disguise or growth. i find myself becoming more analytical and more observant as compared to when it’s before my pitfalls. im still making mistakes, im still trying to figure out ways to walk through my twisted life, but it’s becoming more real though not necessarily not more clear..

     life is a little bit scary now and though things arent exactly easy to manage, my feelings are more in control.. i noe im recovering, though not exactly recovering fully, but i noe i’ll peaked at an even higher point if i fully recovered and continue to walk through this standings. 

     there are some things in life tt really make things real and make me see. well.. haha! watever. life goes on.

     well, just chanced upon some lyrics tt i’ve wrote in the past.. it’s a gd thg i guess, it really perked me up, at least a little.. prob shld get the music done, so at least i can listen to it nxt time to help me a little.. anyway, here goes:

I’ll Be There For You
So no one told you life was gona be this way
ur job’s a joke and u’r so broke
ur love life’s a D.O.A.
It’s like u’r always stuck in 2nd gear
when it hasnt been ur day, ur wk, ur mth, ur yr
but u noe

Chorus:
i’ll be there for u
when the rain starts to pour
i’ll be there for u
just like i’ve been there before
i’ll be there for u
cos i noe u’ll be there too
like i’ve always been for u

u’r still in bed at 10 and work began at 8
u’ve burnt ur breakfast,
so far thgs are going great
ur mama warned u there’d be days like tt
bt she dint noe tt the world will bring u down to ur knees

Chorus

no one could ever know me
no one could ever see me
since u’r the only one who noes what it’s like to be me
someone to face the day with
make it thru all the best with
someone who always laugh at
even when im at my worst
im best with u (YEAAAAAHH!!!)

Chorus

I’ll be there for u (x3)
cos u’r there for me too….

     turned 21 ytd.. was one of the worst birthdays i’ve had yet.. loans unapproved, fights with my family, being forced to do thgs tt i dun want to,  feeling absolutely sick, someone so close to me is gg to court.. 

     i’ve been thking abt sth for a really long time.. wat does it mean to turn 21? chloe asked me to made a bday wish at my office ytd, bt somehow my mind is boggled with so much that i duno wat to wish for.. in fact, at this moment and point in time, i hv nothing to wish for..

     decided tt i shld take a major break.. my emotions are not up to it anymore.. living or leaving the pain..?

     cant slp.. guess i’ve lost my balance somehow.. drained.. but duno wat to say..

kept asking myself.. wat’s the meaning of becoming 21? everybody’s celebrating, especially for this year.. 3/4 of my frns are turning 21.. attended some parties but it juz made me feel more empty.

some how thgs arent right.. some hw thgs arent gd enough.. been really sick for the past few days.. laid on my bed.. thought, wrote & dreamt.. nth much came into my mind.. juz found myself more than lost.. life juz drove ppl in circles.. im back where i first started..

took philosophy module last yr.. and rethinking abt it now, i realise tt many times, lives of ppl are led by assumptions.. mine included, and many others.. ppl start acknowledging lives by believing in assumptions.. after which they collect assumptions along the way.. they become obsessed with the assumptions they hv and many bring the assumptions tt they believe to their graves..

i took off with an assumption when i was mentally and spiritually old enough to be obsessed by my thoughts.. i tried collecting assumptions on the way.. im still collecting.. time and again im lost here and there.. im nt surprise, juz dishearten.. nt despaired bt disappointed.. i’ll say.. im lost again..

if life is gona went by, wat will anybody receive at the end of the graduation abt our lives.. we are students of our and other ppl’s lives interconnected to each other.. i found ppl and lost them before.. i’ve also found myself and lost myself again..

     well, to be frank, when i knew the news, im shocked.. major US bank Lehman announces bankrupt, following the next day, Merrill got bought over by Bank of America.. the once-world-largest-insurance-company AIG is announcing bankruptcy and the asian market plunges..

     major american banks: citibank, credit suisse, bank of america, JPmorgan, etc. are pulling watever funds they hv to kp Lehman going, but they cant save everybody.. Merrill is lucky to be bought over, Lehman is waiting for a buyer, AIG’s definitely looking for fundings (but it’s probably gona be a sacrifice though..) and also by selling certain assets such as their very own airline company.. any blind person can see how dire the situation is for them..

     there’s definitely more to come.. major recessions in financial companies and banks. one simple reason: if investor companies are gg for investments, where will they go..? BANKS!! where else? banks are the ones tt have the most liquid cash at hand with millions of transactions everyday..

     so if the liquid cash from the bank pool is not handled properly, the only thg’s gona happen is there’ll be major sacrifices. it can be a sacrifice of a major bank, a sacrifice of thousands of financial industry employees and definitely a ton of consumers and current stock and investment share holders.

     1 thg to note. the once lucrative financial market isnt a pot of gold anymore.. if some bank is juz gona breakdown due to misorganisation and some insurance companies are just gona be gone, insurance wun be able to insure (or ensure) anythg now..

     there’s 116,000 employees and 74 million people with AIG insurance worldwide. when the news broke, sg’s govt just stop ppl from retracting their AIA policies.. i juz hope u’r not one of them man..

     haha! realise i hvnt been blogging for a while.. 消失并不是一件坏事… (for some reason, i feel like a sua gu right now, using my cousin’s com.. =.=") anyway, for the time being, it’s great to be back.. =D

     for the ppl who missed me online, i’ll keep up with the updates next time. im juz here to relax online at least for a bit today..

     been handling quite a couple of tasks on my hands recently.. time’s quite tight, stress level’s quite high.. life doesnt seem so much like an amusement park anymore.. there’s less room for play, but it doesnt necessary mean more room for work either. =) though im playing and working at the same time, i would say, working is still damn fun. =D

     ok. now im gona switch channel to channel 8. =D

     好久没有用华文blog了！=D 最近心情有些应晴不定.. 说不上 why, but 就适应晴不定咯。看你能拿我这么样！=p

     haha! tt’s dumb.. been chasing honey and clover, the real ppl action live in taiwan version (or commonly known as the ‘ou xiang ju’… y must say till so chim lei? cos i like mah! XD).. anyway, i really got addicted to honey and clover.. it really has a fantastic story plot and everythg is so fun and lies nicely juz in place. of all the animes and stories tt i’ve seen so far, honey and clover has the nicest story outline..

     had a little inspiration to write some songs recently. =) here goes:

如果有一天
你能感觉我的感觉
你是否能了解
我眼神里的暧昧

只想握着你的手
走到海角和天边
陪你一起狂奔向永远

如果有一天
你能感觉我的感觉
你是否能了解
我对你的眷恋

只想抓紧你的手
渡过世界的变迁
陪你看着无数朝霞
无数夕阳
无数的画面

     hmm.. it’s been a long time since i’ve heard of this song and it’s been on my mind for a really really long time. hope to hear it soon…

<<心情卡片>>
               –张信哲–

每个城市冬季都容易下雨
就像我走到哪里
都可以想你
想念是一种果实甜中带酸生成在夜里
满满的回忆带着
不确定的心情

你是否像我一样想你
还是走到别的爱情
去陆行

我的未来是你的心底
写着爱的只字片语
梦的未来是你的爱情
我要你的心回应

每个游子在这季节容易生病
突然对安定渴望
想家的心情
而你是我的感情为一家乡迫切想回去
浓浓的眷恋是我
不确定的心情

你是否像我一样想你
还是走到别的爱情
去陆行

我的未来是你的心底
写着爱的只字片语
梦的未来是你的爱情
我要你的心回应

让过去一站一站流转的日子全过去
我已用思念沉淀了情绪
现在
我只想用最初
最完整的自己在靠近你
这心情该如何去投递

我的未来是你的心底
写着爱的只字片语
梦的未来是你的爱情
我要你的心回应

我静静等待你回应

it’s juz like a broken piece of porcelain.. the angel’s wings were clipped.. he no longer belongs, he no longer flies, he is no longer free, he is no longer complete..

the angel was clipped by the name of his god while being fondled in his arms.. love beyond questions, faith beyond doubt, the angel chose to accept as he is powerless before his lord..

i chose not to be clipped and yearn to be free..

i noe myself… i hvnt been happy for wks… i guess i knew tt a part of reality is torturing me.. a part of me is dying.. cant slp.. there’s so much gg on, now, tml, and when it’ll be.. time juz goes on..

i’ve drawn a series of pictures.. none depicts my exact feelings now.. it’s always the opposite.. confused.. i am.. i dun deny.. i realise i wasnt ready to handle thgs alone.. cried.. tears.. nights..

no options seems like an option.. no choice seemed like a choice.. being untrue to myself.. i dread myself for doing so..